The person I hate the most

Is myself

I am still lingering in this puddle of goo that got my steps stuck in place and sinking years and years ago. I still remember sitting in a corner in high school and coming 30 minutes late to class with my puffy and red eyes because I just couldn't handle rejection from people, or the smallest failures. My history of depression isn't new but of course back then I just thought I was a sad human and a moody teenager. 

Fast forward trying to figure out what human i was exactly, which took a few years (and is still in process). Now I know that depression has been affecting my brain for that long, and also took a absolute wild violent punch at my mind after I put a foot on Canadian grounds the day I came back from a dream year in Japan on August 8th 2011. Since then I've visited the depths of the darkness of my mind as well as the white corridors of the hospital. Then after a year of counselling and drugging myself every night with these little white pills, it stopped the fast route down the ditch, but I now find myself in a place that isn't much better than it was. 

I know I should do something about it, but it is so overwhelming and hard to see the different paths and options when people tell me to just "do something" or "at least try" or at least "start to do something about it" and I become so angry at both myself and the other person for even thinking about it, because my mind is clogged with all these different options that are all as bad as the others and I cannot seem to see any good ones that will ever get me to a nice point where I can consider my life nice, successful and happy. 


40 hours trip - Dir en Grey @ The Opera House

I am just back from a round trip to Toronto that we took to go see my first Dir en Grey concert, on friday the 13th in Toronto, at The Opera House. After a busy week I woke up at 4 AM on friday morning to go take the intercity bus to Toronto. Departure at 6:30 am !

昨日、Dir En Greyをトロントで見に行った旅行から帰りました。金曜日に朝4時に起きて、バス乗りに出かけました。6時半の出発でございます!

Eating some yummy vegan cookies in the bus ! It's 7h am... haha

6 extremely long hours later, we arrived in Toronto under the clouds. We still had time to spend before our check-in at our hostel, so we took our time and went to eat something, as we all only had very early breakfast. There were 4 of us, me, my friend Josie (in the picture) and another friend and her boyfriend. 

We wanted to stop at Chipotle, but there was a long line, so we decided to cross the street to Panera Bread. It had some warm and yummy food to feed us until the show. I got some nice filling sandwich and mac n'cheese ! It was very yummy. Just after lunch we went to meet our friend who was at the venue since the morning in the line, and we were glad to see she was barely 20 people behind the first people in line, after some VIP ticket holders and japanese girls who made it early. 

Then got the time to come check in at the hostel, so we took the tram back and went to put our bags in the room so we didn't have to carry the luggage around at the venue. We had a room for 6 so we could share the price and it was a nice place for the price ! We also had the next day breakfast included so it was definitely worth the small price for one night. We then went back to the line to wait for the show  !...... And waited from 3:30 pm to 7:00 in the cold windy night until we couldn't feel our feet. 

Now to the show ! (No japanese, too complicated !日本語で難しいだから、英語だけで書きます) It seems some VIP ticket holders were behind us in the line, so around 6 they got to get in first we were bumped a little behind in line, before realizing we were in fact at the very beginning of the general admission line after 3 people who got there in the very early morning. GREAT ! We had to wait one more hour in the freezing cold before we could get in and run to put our coats at the counter, and then run to the front. I got to the 2nd row in the front, and stood in front of where Toshiya would be (our left of the stage). 

The hour long wait was full of trying-to-keep-my-place because of the agressive fans trying to get in front of me or push me back, and also general tiredness of waiting (haha). Show started 20 minutes late after what seemed to be some trouble with the sound of Toshiya's bass. And then..... *_* 

Sadly, I was only familiar with either the very old songs (Macabre, Yokan...) or new ones (from Dum Spiro Spero and Arche) so I missed a lot of the songs they played friday because I didn't know the lyrics nor the songs too much. Nonetheless I did enjoy a LOT the songs I knew and they did play absolutely flawlessly, with Kyo obviously being perfect as usual. I am not as emotionally attached to Dir en Grey as I am with Malice Mizer or Moi dix mois, so I thought I wouldn't get as excited but I ended up tearing up when 濤声-Tousei played. Kyo's voice just got to my guts for some reason. This man. 

After that, I still could enjoy the quality of the show, but I sadly got extremely annoyed at the pushy, agressive fans, and the poor light operations and installation at the venue, as the way they were placed put the lights towards the fans instead of towards the band. I kept constantly being blinded by the lights twisting towards me, and we could barely see Shinya at all in the pitch black at the back. I still got to see Kyo, Kaoru and Toshiya quite up close because of my location, even if I was hidden behind arms, hair and heads banging and being pushed around a lot. 

By the end of the show, of course, fans got extremely pushy and violent and since Die and Kaoru started throwing picks at the crowd, things got really intense. Real animals I swear. I got really pushed hard and grabbed at, and then Toshiya threw his beer can at the crowd, which got thrown around because people fought to get it and I got splashed a lot. This crowd really wasn't a crowd I'd like to be in again. Of course I didn't get anything as I'm not that agressive so I hurried my way out the venue to get out of there as fast as possible. 

I was really angry and deceived of the crowd and venue (lights etc) and it really bummed me out and destroyed my experience, but I know the band was great and I did enjoy them as a band and amazing musicians and artists they are. 

It seems one of our friends got kicked out after an incident with another girl in the audience after only a few songs, so we didn't meet her outside. Since we were now free, we decided to go wait for the band members just beside the venue where their bus was. I was unsure of how that would go, since I never waited for band members after a show, and I am unsure of etiquette or if we can even approach them or whatever. 

Some japanese girls were there as well, so of course they called dibs on anyone who would come by, and that annoyed me a little. Don't you get enough at home, girl ? We get to see them every year or other year, let us see them ! 

I first saw Kyo and Kaoru come by and go in the bus without anyone really stepping in to see them close, and I must admit I tried to take a picture but it was so dark my picture was literally just black. I waited again, being still really cold, while staff packed up the ESPs in the trunk of the bus, and then some drum parts. Took a while to finally see Die and Toshiya come out. I really wanted to see Toshiya, but he was towards the bus and Die was towards the fans in line, so I just stepped in really fast and said a shy "~お疲れさまでした" before he grabbed my hand and shook it shortly. I stood there for a long second looking at them go in the bus, before I got in my head that I shook Die's hand hhaha OMG ! I snapped a picture but you can't see at all ahah. 

lmao you really can't see him at all but I know he's there !

By then it was very cold, and even though I wanted to ask the japanese girl who was in front of me inside the venue if I could see her pictures of Toshiya (she took very good ones with her smart phone, how good are these phones anyways ? wow) but I got too shy and we just went back to the hostel. 

I was hurting from everywhere being so cold and standing for so long, getting pushed around so I really didn't loose time to go to bed. Sadly I didn't sleep well until 3:30 am because I felt sick and my stomach was upset... 

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ 

We woke up me and Josie at around 8:30 (she was awake at around 6am, what a woman haha) and we decided to go down to have breakfast before the others would wake up, since we didn't want to make noise in the room by getting ready.  Even though we paid so little for the room, breakfast was included and they had a good few choices that looked yummy (even a vegan choice !) I got some granola and fruit. 

Ending the night at a live house, having breakfast... In a live house. Haha

Breakfast area was in the basement where they also do little shows in the evening at the hostel, so it's like we were still at the venue haha. Then we went back to the room to pack, and then everyone was up. The others decided they'd leave Toronto earlier, so we separated and they went to take the bus back, and me and Josie just decided to hang out in Toronto until 4h PM as planned. 

By 10~h AM we were outside, strolling to spend the day. 

A friend asked me to get her some stuff from MUJI無印食品 so we went there first as it was open from 10 am. I got myself some items as well ! Then just by there is this japanese cheesecake factory where there usually is a long lineup to get some ! But then there was no one there so I decided to finally stop and get a matcha and azuki japanese cheesecake at their new neighbor shop Uncle Tetsu's Matcha shop - Japanese cheesecake

MUJI items and my cute cheesecake ! 

After that my friend had some contacts in Toronto she had not seen for some years (!) so she arranged that we meet them for lunch. But before that we headed to Krispy Kreme Donuts to get some snacks for the bus ride home haha. 

We then went to meet up Josie's friends at Dundas Square, where we decided to go eat some All you can eat Korean BBQ. Good cheap and filling choice. 

After that, we had to leave and get to the bus, for another 6 hour ride ! I grabbed some snack at 7/11 (that convenience store is my god. Bless 7/11) and here we were sitting in the bus again at 4 PM, ready to go back home. 

Thankfully, the bus wasn't packed, so we could sit separately and get 2 seats for each of us, so we could lay our legs or sit more comfortably to try and sleep a bit. I could get some rest, but sleep... Maybe not. 

Came home at around 10h30 PM, exhausted, and crashed into bed for 12 hours straight. All in all, it was a good week-end. Still a little mad at the crowd and the venue, but so glad I got to see Dir en Grey live. I know now that if I go back to Japan and they happen to play, I'll definitely try and get there. And once again, thank you Ando-crest-smile 様 for the handshake. Really means a lot. 



L'Oréal Holiday Private Sale

Thanks to my job, I had the pleasure of receiving a free entrance ticket to the bi-yearly L'Oréal Private sale in my city, where they offer a range of products from their different brands, from hair products to lotions, skin care to make-up and beyond.


I went with a friend from work, since she has a car and the place is quite hard to reach by bus. We got there by 4pm and luckily there wasn't too much people there so we could look at mostly everything once before it started to get crowded. 


I didn't need anything special, so I just checked out if anything was cheap so I could stock up for later on some items. So I got some good deals ! So here is what I got !


So with each ticket you can visit two times and bring one friend, and buy a total of 600$ of products. Of course, that is NOT in my budget, so I ended up only buying a minimum. I will go back with another friend later to see if she can find nice deals ! 


So this is what I bought, with an approximation of the retail prices (according to a quick research online). As you can see I got around 60% off the total of the purchase I would have done if I had bought all of this at the drugstore. 


I have enjoyed going but I must admit I thought there would be more choice or brands and products as well. Make-up was extremely limited, so it was a bummer for me. 

I will try to update my blog a little more now, and try to practice japanese along the way too, so don't mind all these unknown character too much ! 

I'm also going to Toronto next week-end to go see Dir en Grey in concert ! It will be my first time ever seeing them, and I am quite excited, even if the trip makes me nervous. I will try to update here after my trip !