The person I hate the most

Is myself

I am still lingering in this puddle of goo that got my steps stuck in place and sinking years and years ago. I still remember sitting in a corner in high school and coming 30 minutes late to class with my puffy and red eyes because I just couldn't handle rejection from people, or the smallest failures. My history of depression isn't new but of course back then I just thought I was a sad human and a moody teenager. 

Fast forward trying to figure out what human i was exactly, which took a few years (and is still in process). Now I know that depression has been affecting my brain for that long, and also took a absolute wild violent punch at my mind after I put a foot on Canadian grounds the day I came back from a dream year in Japan on August 8th 2011. Since then I've visited the depths of the darkness of my mind as well as the white corridors of the hospital. Then after a year of counselling and drugging myself every night with these little white pills, it stopped the fast route down the ditch, but I now find myself in a place that isn't much better than it was. 

I know I should do something about it, but it is so overwhelming and hard to see the different paths and options when people tell me to just "do something" or "at least try" or at least "start to do something about it" and I become so angry at both myself and the other person for even thinking about it, because my mind is clogged with all these different options that are all as bad as the others and I cannot seem to see any good ones that will ever get me to a nice point where I can consider my life nice, successful and happy. 

Turning point is when a student strike came into play in february 2012 and stopped all classes for more than 4 months. Me being fresh out coming back from Japan in september and being extremely depressed, as well as very tired of school that wouldn't give me what I wanted (a secure well paying job in Canada) on top of an uncertainty of wanting to keep on paying for school since what I wanted (to spend a year in Japan in exchange) was over, I actually abandoned my almost finished bachelor's degree, because I couldn't keep up anymore and didn't have the will to exhaust myself learning about japanese history or south east asia politics when I actually wanted to die when waking up every morning, going to my now full time job I had decided to keep to be able to move and sustain my life, even though that was barely enough anyways. I started working full time at my previous restaurant job when school stopped, but ended up being caught in the flow of things and staying there... 3 more years. Everyday became harder to justify going out of bed, or even wake up at all. Why would I live this life to pay back thousands of dollars of student loans, while remembering each day that I touched the dream and let it go because I was a lazy asshole. I will never forgive myself. 

Ended up in the hospital in summer 2013. I was over being this just turned 24 year old with no success, no money, no goal, and no will. I had gone for getting everything I wanted, from being a do-nothing-get-nice-grades highschooler, to being easily admitted into fashion school, to graduating there with a mediocre collection (explained by other sad life explanations that I won't go over), to being accepted easily into university into the program that would finally bring me home : in Tokyo. Let's just say taking the plane home from Tokyo on august 8th was the biggest failure I have ever lived, and I still resent it to this day. From there, it was only deceptions, and failures. And how do you deal with life small failures when all your life everything just came to you easily with not much effort ? Answer is, you don't. Everything is your fault. You aren't good enough or deserving enough to live a nice fulfilling life. You should have worked harder. You worked okay, but why not harder ? Lazy scum. 

Well, sadly I am still this lazy scum. In late 2013 my friend assisted me into going into a clinic to get therapy. I can't afford to go to a psychologist, so I settled down to get group meetings to hopefully get placed with a social worker, which I thankfully did. I got put onto some meds that helped a bit, I suppose. Got to meet her every two weeks for a year, until I could finally manage to find a 500$ to get back to school to do the last 2 classes I was missing to get any type of degree (stepping down my original Bachelors degree to a major). But my time came to an end and I had to leave since my sessions were over. Thankfully for the small push I had with her, I could manage to escape my brain-and-soul-killing job and find another one which (thankfully) is now going kind of good. 

So of course I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (and a little crying) because I am soon to be 27 years old, and that thought alone is creeping under my skin and drilling holes in my stomach from disgust, pain, stress and sadness. I would have never thought I'd be 27 years old, at the same spot I was 5 years ago, with a job that isn't what I wanted to do at all (thankfully I do still enjoy it a minimum anyways) with still no money to even try and buy myself clothes with no holes in it, wear shoes that don't take in water when I walk outside, with a body that still makes me queasy to even think about, and a mindset that even though deceives me and makes me mad, is the mind set that is keeping me in that same fucking spot. I am aware of my options right now, but I am stuck. So I'm writing them down, in the hopes that someone will be able to help me make a choice or at least support me to go into one of these. 

Option 1 

Dying young. Which is the option where I keep on going the way I do now. I'll get either cancer, or a stroke, of some blood clot from all the fat clogging my arteries and die. Or just run for the bus one day and my heart will stop cause it can't take it anymore. Or I'll get so fat my legs will break under me, I'll fall down in my lonely life apartment studio and no one will come get me and I'll die of hunger in there. 

Option 2 

Refusing my dream and settling down to stay in Canada (and possibly break down in tears every two weeks for an "unknown" reason (that I usually call seeing youtubers living in Tokyo and being sad about my life). Then I could *possibly* end up finally paying back my loans, debts, and getting a nice apartment where I can buy myself nice adult things and pretending like I have succeeded in being an adult (a.k.a not killing myself at a young age) 

Option 3

Going to Japan without a bachelor degree. Good point : taking money I would be spending on a year worth of university and the time I would be loosing in university and possibly being there by early winter 2017 (28 years old, which is gross but better than nothing). Getting a working-holiday visa, trying to get a job with enough hours to get by living there and hopefully tricking life into having a job to sponsor a work visa, switch it, live there forever, boom dream life, happiness and everything that ensues. BUT. Bad points : possibly only having a shitty part-time job that will only afford me to survive there, not being able to enjoy myself even tho I am actually touching the goal, not finding a job that will sponsor a work visa, and actually having to board a plane back to my actual death. End of story. Death. This one last failure will not go well I can guarantee. 

Option 4

Getting therapy, getting back into school and trying not to kill myself over the sheer effort of going full time in school for an entire year to get my bachelor's degree even though nothing interests me at all and working part-time to try and pay for stuff on top of having to probably beg my parents to help me pay stuff because I refuse to go back to the dorms (it will kill me I cannot), being 900% poor because of all this, still being in holey clothes and shoes, Then, starting to save money again taking into account I would have succeeded maybe to get the degree. that would be in 2017 already, then maybe being able to leave for japan at 29 years old, which is real old to be considered into japanese companies but still do-able, and maybe getting a work visa, and then boom I'm in Japan. But then my other little kokoro side saying to myself I'll be alone all my life because who the fucks wants a chubby white 29 years old girl in Japan lol, no one. So yeah, dream acquired but forever alone AND friends on the other side of the planet. But ideal situation as of right now. 

Option 4.5

Getting the degree to get a working visa as seen in option 4, but this time going to school part time, so extend the studying time to at last 2~2.5 years, which makes the wait agonizing, and the candles piling up on the cake pushing me to land in Japan at at least 31~32 years old and just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I can't wait this long. I might as well down a bottle of pills on my 30th birthday and call it a day. 

~~~~~Recap : 

I either die on my 30th birthday by non-natural death, at 40 from natural death, or dying of old age in Japan. Yep, I think that's a good short recap. 

I probably look like such a fucking spoiled whining piece of shit right. But that's what is going on in my head in rounds and rounds every minute of my waking moments. So excuse me if I had to write this down and share it, but I really needed to put it out there. I need help, and I can't get it because the simple phone call to get help will have to unravel into having to deal with all these decisions that I cannot make because of the sheer extend of overwhelming feelings I have right now. 

And on this note, I will stop looking at people living in Japan and real estate apartments in the Kanto region, and go to bed to stop my brain for overheating, so I can wake up at 5 am tomorrow and go to my standard job.


1 件のコメント:

  1. Hi Dahlia,
    I'm sorry I haven't spoken up before. We deal with similar problems, so I feel I should have at least spoken up with a feeble "I feel you" before now.
    Sorry I'm going to blather about myself. You can skip this paragraph if you like. I am also chubby, mid 20s, and have struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I struggle to find meaning or happiness in life. I'm reasonably intelligent and hardworking but college is terrible for me. I regret going back this fall after I quit 2 years ago. I quit school to make a indie Lolita brand. It's the only thing I wanted in life. So here I am, poor, living with my mom :/, and with an indie brand no one remembers. But I'm kinda happy!? Like not perfect. I get depressed, stressed, and discouraged, but I have something I enjoy. I don't think I would bother living if I didn't have work I enjoy.
    So I'm going to say try choice 3! Even if you are poor, won't being in Japan make it better? I think you will make friends. A Japanese exchange student made friends with me, even though I'm fat. If it doesn't work out, can't you come back and try 4 or 4.5? Please don't worry about age. It's just a number. And please don't worry about your "lack of progress." You've been dealt a difficult hand and everyone has their own pace and priorities.